Flight in 2011

Hat-tip to Coturnix:

[Link] Thank you all for being here. With the fifth anniversary of 9/11 upon us, the Federal Aviation Administration has been asked to project developments in air safety over the next five years. We thought this could best be conveyed from the perspective of a typical passenger in the year 2011.

While it may seem a bit extreme to those of you still living in 2006, in the year 2011, all clothes, including the ones on your back, are checked. Gastrointestinal probes and full enemas are both mandatory and unspeakably invasive, though fortunately, modern technology has rendered them relatively swift and painless. Probing is followed by a four-minute walk through the high-pressure showers, which some passengers have commented make one feel a bit like a four-door sedan going through a car wash. At the far end of the showers, passengers are greeted with the automatic body blowdryers and towels and ultimately issued standard white, loose-fitting boxer shorts and pajama tops with airline logo.

Of course, it’s not quite so quick and easy since the “Hair Bomber” of 2008 shook things up. Passengers are now restricted from wearing any form of facial, body, or pubic hair. For all but the most frequent air travelers, this means a preflight shave-down in one of the hair shearing atriums that line the terminals. Fingernails, toenails, lashes, nose hairs — everything must go. It is said that today’s airline traveler looks like a hybrid space alien and concentration camp prisoner.

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