In the future, I’ll try modeling my relationships on the following observations from days like Valentine’s:
1. There’s a pandemic virus that blooms only 2/14 and destroys every relationship, unless it’s treated with cordiform chocolate.
2. Flowers are a convenient way of expressing anything without having to go through the trouble of saying it in a touching and intelligent way.
3. The reproductive organs of plants are an aphrodisiac. Those of animals are disgusting.
4. Buying your partner gifts on any of 364 days of the year is optional. Buying gifts on one specific day is mandatory.