A Platform We Can All Agree On

Having looked at the platforms of all the major Presidential candidates, I’ve come up with a synthesized platform that everyone can agree on and that everyone already campaigns on.

1. The economy must grow, and the faster the better.

2. The United States should win the War on Terror.

3. There should be fewer abortions and fewer teen pregnancies.

4. The health care and education systems ought to be improved.

5. Crime is bad.

6. The poverty rate should be lower.

Vote Jillack McRomani in 2008!

6 Responses to A Platform We Can All Agree On

  1. SLC says:

    And also motherhood and apple pie.

  2. I wonder what you could do to make the most unpopular campaign possible, here’s my initial attempt:

    1. I’m against abortion in all circumstances, but I’m for legalized infanticide and the option of eating the remains.

    2. God should be banned, nobody believes in God. All religious paraphernalia will be treated the same way drugs are currently treated by the ATF and FBI.

    3. Currently illicit drugs should not only be legal, they should be mandatory for everyone over 1 year of age (watermark set to allow wiggleroom for those who want to eat their killed infants without corrupting the meat with drugs).

    4. I rule the universe and get rid of the legislature and judiciary. No one has any rights anymore but me and those who I like at the moment.

    It’s a start, I’m sure Alon can pitch in.

  3. I disagree with point 1. Infinite growth in a finite system is impossible.

  4. D. Eppstein says:

    What does it even mean to win the war on terror? How can one win a war against an abstraction?

    And judging by their opposition to birth control and their stubborn insistance on abstinence-based programs that have been shown to increase both teen pregnancy and abortion rates, I think some right-wingers would disagree with #3. Now if you had simplified it to “abortion and teen pregnancy are bad” it might be more universally agreed on…

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