Hivemind Social Cue Question

Hopefully, at least some of you are better than me at discerning social cues; I’m not sure how to read the following situation.

Suppose that you met a few people socially, and they said something about meeting again tomorrow. Suppose then that the person in charge of the gathering on the next day gave you a time and place, and you showed up with nobody in sight. Okay, you might think, maybe they’re late; but suppose that you ended up sticking around for 45 minutes and calling one of them, the only one you had the phone number of, four times and leaving a message. And Suppose finally that they did in fact end up meeting up, only evidently at another time or place. Would you conclude you’re being deliberately snubbed/ignored?


13 Responses to Hivemind Social Cue Question

  1. Bruce says:

    Unless they apologized, I would conclude that they either snubbed me or were complete airheads. There is a third category, that of depraved airheaded indifference not tantamount to “intent” but for my purposes the same thing. Either way, they would be dropped ruthlessly out of my universe, as I lack time for people in any of those categories.

  2. Pseudonym says:

    My first reaction would be that I misunderstood the instructions, or they weren’t clear enough. There may be two venues with similar names, for example.

    Like Bruce, I’d reserve judgement until I got a straight answer on what happened, but there are lots of possibilities, all of which suggest ways to remedy the problem in the future. If they rescheduled, for example, but nobody had my phone number to let me know, then there’s not a lot they could have done at the time.

  3. Foxy says:

    My first instinct would be to assume that I was just very, very confused.

    Which I often am.

    But, that does all sound a little fishy.

  4. Alon Levy says:

    Pseudonym, let’s suppose that you knew for a fact that one of the people in the group had your phone number and participated in the gathering you knew nothing about.

  5. Tim Bailey says:

    People who do such things are utter assholes and most people (even most assholes) can’t manage this level of assholedness without significant motivation. It would be much less costly, overall, to falsely report that the meeting/event was cancelled: the desire to effect your absence would be met, but without actually causing you to undertake an unnecessary journey (and thus the asshole might actually be able to convince him/herself that no real harm was done). Sending someone somewhere when you know they’ll be stood up is egregiously foul, and suggests either a particularly nasty person or exceptional aversion to your presence.

  6. Ralph says:

    I would conclude that the persons involved were actively trying to annoy or demean me. This is of course hurtful to the self. In order to avoid further hurt to the self, I would not associate with such people again. I would seek alternate associates. If invited to a gathering or other occasion by those same people, I would decline in a straightforward way. If queried as to why, I would explain that last time they were not there when I arrived, and that therefore I will not try it again.

    I hope this is responsive to your question.

  7. Sara says:

    I would conclude that the promises to meet were really just a group-adapted manifestation of the “You should call me sometime!” phenomenon. People aren’t good at making committments.

    Either that, or I get snubbed a lot.

  8. bean says:

    Like others here, I would feel snubbed. And I would be more than a little angry too.

    Also, Alon, how did I not meet you the other night at the bar after the event? Or did I meety ou and just not make the connection I wonder….Were you the one speaking to Amanda in the bar area for a while — I think we may have met briefly when I said goodbye to her. Hmph. I think we all need to wear nametags at these blogger events.

  9. Alon Levy says:

    Bean, it’s entirely possible. I was the one who wore the psychedelic T-shirt with a peace symbol on it and made stupid remarks about the feminist movement losing out to the mainstream every time Vanessa missed a pool shot against the guy from TPM (I think his name’s Andrew but I’m not sure).

  10. bean says:

    Alon – I think I left before the pool games got really exciting. Probably a good thing, since I am abominable at the game. I thought it was the one useful skill I would pick up when I was an undergrad. I was wrong.

  11. Alon Levy says:

    Oh, I didn’t play pool. I just watched Vanessa, Ezra, and Andrew play.

  12. Pseudonym says:

    If someone in the group has my number, there’s still any number of reasons why they might not call. Example: The person in question forgot I was coming. I was a late addition to the group, after all.

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