Slut Shaming

Skatje used to have a long-distance boyfriend named Rob she talked a lot about on her blog. Two days ago, she lambasted him for cybering with other girls – I’m not sure when, but I’ll make the charitable assumption that it was when he and Skatje still went out. She says,

I don’t know where to start. I’m sick of Rob. I’m sick of his emotional abuse. I’m sick of his whining. There is no sympathy left here. For the record, cyber sex is the most disgusting thing ever. Honestly. Sex without intimacy. Sex without love. I wouldn’t touch that shit with a ten-foot pole. Oh, but Rob would. With other girls (boy?) who were willing, since I wasn’t. Deception. Betrayal. Does not compute? For someone who took me to meet his family, and showed them so much commitment to me, I don’t see how he could be so unfaithful. And sick. Sick too.

Katie took exception to her characterization of sex as something that must be done in the context of a loving relationship. It tends to be more fun when there’s enough intimacy and trust around – for example, the strongest orgasms tend to require one partner to tie the other up – but you don’t have to love someone to have good sex with them. If you personally want to eschew certain forms of sex, there’s nothing wrong with that, but don’t pretend that your views are normative.

In response to Katie’s somewhat embellished description of her sex life, Skatje said, “And if I may be blunt, isn’t your lifestyle a perfect definition of the word ‘slut’?” Then Katie posted about the problems with slut-shaming, and the entire thread devolved into a kerfuffle about the definition of the word “slut.”

The only thing I can say about that is, “Way to miss the point.” If someone calls Jessica Valenti a wop, it’ll make no sense to say, “A wop is someone of Italian descent, so it’s correct to call Jessica a wop.” The word “Slut” doesn’t just mean “a promiscuous woman,” but also has an in-built negative connotation. Like many other loaded terms, it serves not to elucidate but to prejudice.

The precise meaning of “Slut” is not relevant here. Slut-shaming isn’t about the use of the word, but about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior. Using the word “Slut” descriptively is impossible, just like with “nigger.”